English: Beautifully Befuddling

Don’t get me wrong, I love the sound of the English language.  It can roll off the tongue in so many rich, complex ways (i.e. compare Boston English to London English to Alabama English). I also love English’s adaptation and assimilation of so many different words from so many different cultures (did you know the word “smuggler” was taken from Dutch?  Or the word mattress is derived from Arabic?).  And my favorite part about English?  It contains the largest vocabulary of any comparable language.  This makes word-loving people like me overjoyed, elated, ecstatic, even giddy.  According to the Oxford Dictionary, we have (depending on how you count) 171,476 words in current use, 47,156 obsolete words, and 9,500 derivative words in the English language.  That’s a heap.  Or a pile.  Or a raging tsunami of words.  However you’d like to look at it.

But, despite all its wonderful features and complexities, there are things that drive me nuts about the English language.  Mostly, its inconsistencies with pronunciation and grammar.

Most of these things I never minded (or even noticed) until I learned Spanish and then started talking to Spanish-speakers who were trying to learn English. They were the ones who asked me tough questions such as, “How come through rhymes with shoe and blue?”  Or, “Why is ‘ph’ pronounced the same as ‘f?'”

I don’t know the answers to these questions, but they make me thrilled/joyous/glad/pleased that English is my native language and I don’t have to slog through the tedium of learning the damn thing.

Lots of articles (including this one) have been written about why English is such a difficult language to master, so I won’t get into that.  Instead, I am going to give you my top ten list of English’s most puzzling words.  Enjoy, and don’t forget to question the world surrounding you: what may seem normal or commonplace to you might seem totally bizarre and ridiculous to someone else.

1. Why is the past tense of lead, led?  Head, headed?  Read, read?

2. Why do you lead someone up a hill, but your soldiers are made of lead?  And why do you hear the wind through the trees as you wind rope?  Or why was the bandage wound around the wound?

3.  Why is the “gh” in through silent, but pronounced like “gh” in spaghetti?  Or, better yet, why is there such a difference between through, though, and trough?  Wouldn’t it be better if they were spelled threw, tho, and trauf?  Well, no…there is already another threw and tho is a slangy alternative to though.  Harumph.

4. Related to #3, the combination of “ough” can be pronounced nine different ways, as in: “A rough-coated dough-faced, thoughtful ploughman strode through the streets of Scarborough; after falling into a slough, he coughed and hiccoughed.”  Gah!

5. Let’s talk animals:

One ox, two oxen.  One fox, two foxes.
One mouse, two mice.  One doghouse, two doghouses.
One goose, two geese.  One moose.  Two…moose.

Also, the dove dove into the bushes.

6. This sentence:  There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row.

7. And this sentence:  The baker decided to desert his dessert in the desert.

8. The plural of man is men.  The plural of woman is women.  The plural of human is humans.

9. Colors.
Red sounds the same as read.
Blue sounds the same as blew.
Green is pronounced the same as “grene,” the last part of the word gangrene.

And then there are the colors that stand alone: No words in the English language rhyme with orange, silver, or purple.

10.  The verb “can” does not conjugate.  It’s always the same:

I can, you can, he can, she can, it can, the dog can, we can, they can…

11. BONUS: Why do a “fat chance” and a “slim chance” mean the same thing?
12. 2nd Bonus: If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat?

Is your brain turning yet?